I feel so wierd. All along, whenever I’m asked as to what’s my mother tongue/language, I answer Urdu. Coz at home, we do speak in urdu. I’ve never spoken to my parents in anything other than urdu. Even with my brother,sisters. Ok, its been angraizi with them at times, but mostly it is urdu.I knew that I used aap with everyone-even kids much younger than myself, etc.But I never felt insecure about it in any way.Until I went to Malaysia for the undergrad. As you all know by now, that’s the time I started hangingout with my pakistani pals.& thats when the fun started-well,atleast for them. I was ridiculed, for using aap with everyone. They’all used tum.I’d never used tum before.But that still wasn’t as bad as the hum. Now at home, we’all used hum to refer to our respective self. Not main. Just mom used main (is that attributable to her pakistani upbringing?).All the rest of us would use hum.yes, I know hum is for we, not for I.But thats how we spoke.Urdu. Our Urdu.Needless to say, the guys poked fun at me all the time.Especially these 2 guys, who weren’t even my close buddies, & left soon.But they’d done the damage. So one fine day, I decided that I’d start using main, tum, etc. So I started by standing infront of the mirror, & telling myself, Mo.., tum. Tum! …Tum! I even raised a pointed finger at my reflection in the mirror while doing it. So I started using it. Now, ya’all know the implications of that- when using main, the rest of the words of the sentence/statement would also have to be changed! So each time I wanted to say something, I’d open my mouth, & then stopt to think of what I had to say & how I’d say it. It became so wierd, that I started to keep quiet at times, coz it was so wierd having to think of how to say stuff before actually saying it, & that took time-it took out all the fun of conversation! Ofcourse, it even made me insecure as hell! I started to feel like such a confused desi! jabke I grew up in the middle east, not in the west!& we spoke urdu at home, not angraizi! So I’d try to get used to speaking urdu their way, & in the middle of that I’d get a call from home, & on the fone with family, I’d speak it the home way-hum & aap & all.
Just when I got used to the main & tum & all, it was time for me to go back home- I was done with the undregrad! So it was back to the hum’s & aap’s. Until I moved here, down under. T’was ok in the beginning (I was with Indians, don’t ask), but right now I’m back in a flat-full of pakistanis, & just the other day I was told to use tum & not aap! Oh, & did I tell you what happened on sunday? Well, we’d thought of going to the beach on sunday morning, so come morning, I finally go to flatmate’s room & wake him up to ask him ki kya irada hai? & when I wake him up (well,atleast I thought I woke him up), he says matla abar ulood hai! & I just stand there & blink. I wasn’t even sure if that was urdu, or something else?! He repeats it. & repeats it once more. & then finally says it in angraizi! Oh, & I didn’t even know what a bait-ul-khala was! I just knew it as a hammam-& we didn’t even use that word (hammam).
So I’m back to feeling so insecure about my urdu skills. & it isn’t even something you could work on & get the better off, in a coupla days. I almost wish I’d attended a pakistani skool- or taken urdu as second language at (my indian) skool. In case you were wondering, I’d taken Hindi & later on French (oh, & for 1 year, even Bangla- in India, & ofcourse, Arabic at skool-but that was made so easy becoz of all the indian non-muslim students that I’m ashamed of my arabic aswell). I can still read hindi, even after all the years, but I can’t converse in french. Oh, & shudh (pure) hindi (as in news casts etc) is definately a no-no.& my malay isn’t anything worth bosating about either. When I speak to any malaysian, they say I’m speaking Bahasa Indonesia, & when I try it on an indonesian, they tell me to give it up! So, I rather wish I could speak just a language or 2 only, but properly! Sigh…! Till then, I’ll just try to pick up a word or 2 from my flatmates!& continue to be ridiculed…?!
