Where to, now?!
I don’t like being a khanabadosh. I’ve had it. Enough. I don’t want to be this unstable, not-knowing-where-I’ll-be gypsy.
I’ve moved around- Kuwait, India, U.A.E., Malaysia, Australia. Most of the times that I’ve had to move, its been difficult. I say most, coz it sure wasn’t difficult when I’d moved from India to U.A.E.!lol! I remember as a kid, I just wouldn’t want to accept that we were living in India after the Gulf war,& whenever asked, I’d always say that I want to go back to Kuwait! Initial time in Malaysia was kinda hard-being away from parents for the first time,but I had my jigri-yaar’s who made it a breeze!
Once back in India when I finished my bachelors, it was hard again. No friends coz I just didn’t have any old ones as during the holiday visits I’d just be occupied with relatives, shopping etc. & boy did I miss the ones I’d left behind in Malaysia! I used to be so depressed those days. The only thing that got me through was that I was with my family, with my mom.
The other day, it struck me that in 6 months, it’ll be moving time again! The only saving grace this time ’round, is that I don’t have as many jigri yaar’s here, that I’d have a hard time getting used to living without. Which isn’t such a good thing anyway, is it?! The first time I had to face that reality(of learning to live away from those friends), I crept into my shell. I became a recluse. Yes, I’d want to go out, walk in the open, but I didn’t want to meet anyone. Coz I didn’t have the people I wanted to meet. Thinking that I have to deal with all that all over again, isn’t a pleasant feeling.
Not being able to feel settled in a place is just so wierd. I cannot say things that my friends (who’re staying on, after their studies even) say. There isn’t a long-term for me. Just a short term, albeit a very short term. Hell, one of the reasons why I’m still single is because I know that even if I were to meet the right girl here, I wouldn’t know what to do, as things are with me,I wouldn’t be able to see a future for us. How can I readily become committed if I’m not sure that I’ll be here in a coupla months?! Ofcourse, this is just me-these friends of mine, in Malaysia (international students, hailing from different continents altogether!), fell in love, & are actually engaged to be married once they finish their masters! But I cannot not let my gypsyness affect me. Even when I see something at the flea market (this happened yesterday), I resisted buying-what’s the point, you’ll have to get rid of it in 6 months…
I’ve had it with all this moving around. I want to sink-in my roots in one place & soon. I want that it-feels-like-home feeling. Right now, I don’t even know where home is. Or it isn’t where I want it to be?! When will I be able to call a place, home?
