Whatever may come…

Forget quater-life crisis…..I just realised that I might have existential crisis…

(Wikipedia says- An existential crisis is a state of panic or feeling of intense psychological discomfort resulting from a sense of being alone and isolated or that one’s life has no purpose or meaning. The sudden awareness of not knowing what one’s life is all about.)

So I wrote a “totay” format email to a friend today. So I thought, why not post a version of that here (edited ofcourse) since I haven’t posted in a while anyway..?!So here goes…

Didn’t do anything over the past 2 days- W stayed over saturday nite, left yesterday after the beach trip. S’s pal (who spent 2 nights at our place) left today morning.Oh, he told me how much fun he had at that cursed easter show that I didn’t go to.( & now I regret not going). The guy’s getting nikah-fied to a canadian paki (paki canadian?) female in a week.& you shoulda listened to his jokes “mujhe to bas ab us BMW ka intezaar hai…” “ab main kharcha kyun karoon?-susraal wale kareinge na…” LOL! he also happens to be a gold medalist in something.Damn over-achievers.lol.

Damn-editing that stuff to put it up here is a real sucker. Coz the email was written in my email lingo (to=2, should’ve=shuda, that=dat, good=gud, the=d, u get d drift).

I was considering talking to my mom about something I haven’t told her yet (see what editing does to it?!lol)…as in telling her about what has been & what can be. As in, I wouldn’t tell her to do anything about it just yet, just wanted her to know what’s been going on in my life.But then I decided against it. So kill me.

Spoke to my mom for exactly 2 minutes 43 seconds yesterday (d pros of having turbo charge credit on d fone…-call up for 2-3 minutes whenever i feel like). Mommie dearest asked me if I want to study further.I told her I just want a real 9-5 job.I didn’t tell her that I’ve had it with this nomadic/student/bachelor life- I want a job & I want to get married within a year of getting that job-Bas ab nahin hota mujhse yeh sab.

Maybe I should post a version of this email on the blog. (from the email I wrote & yes, this point figured in there more than once…!)

I’ve subconsciously been avoiding something for so long now(not my fault-the damn editing I had to do makes eerything so vague,lol). What am I scared of?have I managed to put “it” on hold?is that what I’m really doing- trying to put “it” on hold? is the uncertainty driving me insane?& no, its totally not about that phobia. Its all that other crap thats making me feel wierd about everything. Its so difficult to seperate everything-how can I not let 1 thing affect another?!

S said ‘ aap aur A july mein chale jayeinge…W bhi pakistan chala jaye ga…main yahaan akela kya karoonga?!” & all the while I used to think that I’m d one who might be going, main akela ho jaounga…

I was never hellbent on staying here. If now I do wish I could, its just bcoz I’m sick & tired of leaving everything & moving away & having to start life all over again. I don’t want to go through those “withdrawal” symptoms again. I might not have much, but I still dont want to leave it behind. & not knowing where I’m heading off to/not knowing what I’m leaving this for.

“mera chain-wain sab ujda…” thanks to S that song’s stuck in my head now. Yes, I use a “d” for that hindi alphabet instead of an”r” that most of you might use. & its SO not my tpe of song. I don’t like item numbers.

I can’t believe I didn’t go to the gold coast afterall. damn.

I hope they don’t go to jervis bay tomorrow-I really don’t want to go. damn- J just came to my room-seems like we will be going tomorrow morning afterall…

Why do I think so much? so damn much?!

I really should post a version of this on the blog. (see what I mean?!)

“barbaad ho rahe hain jee… …”

I just did a 3 minute online survey for Oporto’s, & I got a voucher for a free packet of french fries…yes, damned unhalal french fries.

On my last now once-a-week-trip-to-the-gym this saturday, maybe it was a combination of the pants & tshirt I was wearing, but I looked so good in them huge mirrors-hell, I must’ve spent half the time admiring myself in them-the security guard in the control room must’e watched me on his screen( a pakistani guy whom S talks to when he comes to lock up the spa at 11 pm) must’ve thought that I’m so narcissistic (how on earth do u spell dat sucker?!) or totally sick or something!but I looked so good- although I don’t look that good in my bathroom mirror anymore. “mirror mirror on the wall, who’s got that brawn, of us all…”

I’m at home right now-while Jay Sean, Juggy D & Rishi Rich perform in my Uni’s bar…Why are my friends so un happening, so un hip?!

I really should put this up on the blog! (lol)

“… … angdaee, na toote, tu aajaa… …”

Yes, I’ve been away. & no, you wouldn’t rather be there. It isn’t a good place to be in. So this might be a long one, so, go on, forget that chore you were supposed to do right now, & read on!(that was a joke, ofcourse!).

I’d been away first coz I was trying to study for these 2 major midsemester exams that I was supposed to have on the same day. Well, the first one went good, but the second was as bad as it ever got. It’s probably my worst test ever. I mean, I’ve never been one a’those toppers, but I would never fail either. This time, I’m afraid, I’ve failed that test. Badly. So that had me down, majorly. (in cases as such, it keeps occuring to me that this is another one of those things that’s a first ever, & that its happened here downunder). But I guess you need to have one such test to put things into perspective?!

No, I didn’t try to con you into reading all that with an interesting looking title. So lets get to it?
Some days ago, (meant to blog about it, but hadn’t blogged since), my flatmate & a friend of his were talking about going to some big mosque in this immigrant-dominated suburb. Purpose?-to register, for marriage!Apparently, there is such a service (underground) where FOBs (no one offended, I hope, just couldn’t think of another term for the lot of us), can register, so that desi locals (muslims with marriageable daughters) can approach the guys to marry their daughters, so that they get a good enough son in law (is it hard to get one such local person?!) & so that the FOB can get his naturalization & be able to stay here, coz he doesn’t want to go back to whichever desiland he came from, as his international student visa is running out…Now this is not the marriage-for-money kinda thing. The marriage is for real. The guys just want to marry a local muslima so that they can get to immigrate here.

Now I’ve read the recent spate of posts (on immigrant families marrying off their daughters to men living in desiland) in blurkistan, oops, in Blogistan (its become blurkistan for me coz I hardly ever comment & have probably even put off many of my few esteemed readers?!). Those posts were about the negative aspects of such marriages, as in the girl not being able to adjust to life in desiland (& justifiably so) & about the spread/gap in the mentalities of people brought up in desiland & those brought up in foreign lands, etc etc. So maybe a desiguy who wants to live in foreignland has potential to assimilate into that foreign way of thinking & so the girl will be happy(fewer adjustment probems for the girl?!). Or this way atleast the girl gets to be near her parents instead of haing to move away to desiland if married to a guy back in desiland?Or guys brought up in foreignland don’t have those values that desi fathers want their sons-in law to have? What more reasons could there be for something like this to happen?

If it isn’t already obvious, I’m not all for it. Now I’ve heard of people going ahead with such marriages. & the few cases that I’ve heard of, look like happy marriages as of yet. Kudos to them.I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. Personally I don’t think it really matters as to how the couple came together (love, arranged, met-over-the-net, whatever), as long as they put in the right effort to make it all work. What I’m saying is that I won’t do it (although, looking at the growing list of stuff I’ve somehow ended up doing recently, that I’d never have done before, I really shouldn’t be saying hard views like that).

My reasons? Marriage is such a big thing!How can I give more importance to migration (over marriage, I mean)?! The desperation that would be involed in finding such a match & getting married soon (maybe soon after the student visa expires) just isn’t the kinda thing I’d want on my mind when thinking about marriage. Wouldn’t there be the “I married you so that you could get to stay on here…” sentiment underlying the relationship, & rearing its ugly head during unhealthy arguments between the couple?Wouldn’t the guy feel insecure, dominated, maybe have that inferiority or whichever complex that his wife got him that status he couldn’t get on his own?Hey, I like my ego…Seriously, the guy should have some ego, no?!I know this is all so negative, but how could I not think about all this?!

Now if I did marry & live in foreignland, it would probably be because of some other reasons. Like if I’m already living in foreignland, far away from desiland, (yes, I’d have had my legal status to live there on my own), then my mom might think of me marrying a muslima from said foreignland, just so that that way I’d have some relations around me, so what if they’d have been inlaws?!So that if my wife would have had family in that country, we wouldn’t feel as lonely as I feel presently. Or ofcourse, if I’d have fallen in love with said muslima. Now I’m not saying anything against marriages where foreign nationality holding muslima & desi international student fall in love & want to get married. I’m apprehensive about marriages where the guy wants to get married to muslima so that he overcomes the hurdle of naturalization.

Ok, guess I’ve said all that I could think about that issue right now.

Doesn’t it feel so quiet when the dryer comes to a halt after having been in operation for, what, close to 4 hours?!-No, I didn’t want to burn my clothes in there,flatmate decided to do his laundry just after mine & he uses a longer setting…

Now I’ve had tissues in pockets of pants in the washing machine before, but just how did all these shreads of wet tissue come to be stuck on all my wet clothes…?! As I’m looking at it, the tissue was probably not inside a pocket this time, eh?!Hey-now thats such a nice way to ruin someone’s laundry-throw in some tissues while the machine’s churning their laundry…!

Thanx to that failed test, I don’t even feel like going on that trip (that I SO wanted to go on) that might have materialised next week. & I don’t even feel like going to that royal easter show that I didn’t see last year(its not about the rabbits, eggs, rodeo,whateverhaveyou, its about those thrilling amusement park style rides that I thought I lived for), & this year just might be my last chance, whatwith the show ending on thursday, & my funk might outlast the date…?!

Aaj woh apni cousin ke ghar khaane pe ja raha hai, to kal kissi aur ko apne family friend ke ghar daawat mein jaana hai,…ay kaash ki hamara bhi koi aisa apna hota, jo humein kabhi apne ghar khaane pe bulata…ay kaash ki hamara bhi koi aisa apna hota…sigh…