So I’ll have to leave here in a month or 2. I wasn’t attached to this city earlier, but now, for some time, I feel I’ve began to get too attached (or am i already?!). I know the CBD inside out-well, almost, & atleast better than anyone I know (& even alot better than so many natives I run into). I spend alot of time just loitering about. I like the sky I see here (wonder if I just never noticed the sky in any of the other places I’ve lived in, but the sky here is just so wow at times). The weather is also perfect. And ofcourse, maybe I don’t like the thought of leaving the few really good friends I have here. You’d think I would know how to handle all this, considering how I’ve moved quite a bit in the recent years.
Coming on to friends. When it was time for me to leave the east asian country I spent 3 years in, I went on a last 4 day trip with the friends, to this really beautiful island I hadn’t been to earlier. It was for memories sake. So now I wanted to do something similar here as well, considering even that I have almost seen nothing outside the city here (unlike that east asian country). Wanted to go to this one place atleast, but no, that wouldn’t happen. My mate couldn’t get his leave off work organised. So this time, I wanted to go to the snowed upon mountains, coz I’ve never seen snow in my life. & now, yet again, the friend cannot get his leave organised. & then he’s flying out in over a week, & I won’t be here when he returns.
There are quite a few things I wanted to do before I leave here, but now I’m not sure if I’ll do any of them. I know I still regret not doing some stuff in that east asian country, so I know I will definately regret not doing the things I wanted to do while here. But I cannot get myself to do stuff on my own. I hate being alone as it is. I cannot pull a D (another friend who’s practically seen the whole country & some neighbouring ones too-all on his own). But I figure that if I really want to do atleast a few of the things on that list, then I will have to do them, sigh, on my own.
I’m in such a daze. Even doing those things that were supposed to be alot of fun, almost won’t be fun anymore. All these changes, make me feel wierd. I’ve started to treat sleep as a drug. I almost use it as a defense mechanism against all unpleasantness. I haven’t signed into my msn messenger, in months now. Coz I tend to keep to myself, when I feel like this. Maybe that’s also why I have cut down on posting here. I want to avoid all those people, all those friends. Some shrink would probably say that, in a way, I punish myself, although I don’t know why I behave like that.
I want for things to change. But then I also don’t like the process of change. Maybe coz I’m not sure as to what the changes will be. Coz I don’t want all the things to change. I want to hold on to some stuff I like, & just get the rest changed. But that doesn’t happen now, does it?!
