Whatever may come…

So I had a haircut today. I pointed out to a picture on the wall (Japanese cartoon style, long spikes)-that’s the cut I want…& the barber said, no, you can’t have that one with your hair…!Damn! Why do I always want that which is unattainable?!

Sigh. I’ll never be mean enough for this world. People can be so selfish, horrid, mean, stupid, (add in your own adjectives here). I’m just too much of a goody-two-shoes than is good for me. I’m not going to say what the latest incident is. & the one before that ( & even the others before that!).

I guess I’ll just never fit in. I’ve always known that its a dog-eat-dog world out there, but there are times when I’m just gobsmacked at what people do. I mean, even I could do that. Its not that I’m not capable of thinking like that. Ok, at times I can’t, but at times I can. I know most people prolly think I’m an allah-mian-ki-gai. But I’m not. Well, not entirely. Even I could’ve done what they do. But I still don’t. I think, nah, I couldn’t possibly do that?! Why do I let my heart interfere in matters where its best that I leave the brain to think and act?? If people can be and even are that horrid, why can’t I be just as horrid if not more?! I mean they deserve a mean me. Not the cool me. I know this means that I’ll have to stop thinking like I usually do. & that sure ain’t easy. But I’ll just have to do this. If its the last thing I do.

Why can’t I be mean? Why do I think in terms of, “choro hatao…” “let it be….so what?I don’t care….”. I need to stick it to them. To the world. To this world.

My resolution for the year. To be as mean as I can possibly be. Theres never just one way to handle something right??I resolve to always go for the mean way. Lets see if I can pull it off. I had better. Theres no other way. These people deserve all the meanness they can get.

So Eid’s come & gone even. Time for the exams-but lets not talk of that now. Lets talk of my numerous “issues” right now, eh?!

Identity issues. I don’t fit in with indians (its just me, really), nor am I a pakistani, so I don’t fit in (seamlessly) there either… I dread the “so where might you be from” question. Why? bhaee kya bataoun? (somehow Indian just doesn’t suffice anymore-nosy people)- I’d say Calcutta, but am not a bengali (people from that state-west bengal, are that,& U being a pakistani-most likely,lol- very well know how pakistani’s laugh at bengalis), seriously, am not a bengali, my grandparents are from somewhere in Uttar Pradesh, some small village where they have a huge haveli even, but I’ve never been there either…Oh, & did I mention that I was born in the Middle East?& when I say calcutta, I’m expected to speak in Bangla, which I can’t-not to save my life!Ok, I can muster up a few words, but not much at all-not enough to hold a conversation. & as for my urdu, well, ya’all already know how my padosi mulq wale friends laugh at my vocab…(atay ga nahin?what’s that?-atay means fit-in indian, apparently). So yeah, I never know how to answer the question…

The other day, my pal R just happened to mention that he can’t wait to fly back home, to see his wife…(& he’s my age)…he can’t wait to be by his wife’s side when she delivers…!!! I was gobsmacked!forget shaadi, yeh to baap banne wala hai, mera hum-umar…& yahaan to kuch bhi nahin…Anyway, later I foundout that it wasn’t true, he was just fibbing…(phew!).But the issue still stands.I mean, I’m sick & tired of being single & unattached/uncommitted & whathaveyou…Everyone around me has someone to talk fondly about.& then there are some who have committment issues?!When do I get to be committed?!
alittle while ago, while untangling earphone cords:
Me: Yaar, yeh taarein suljha-suljha ke thak gaya hoon, kab aayenge woh din jab main kisi ki zulfein suljhaounga…?
Roommate: Naai ka course kar lein-phir din bhar zulfein suljhate rahiyega!

Work-related issues. I’m not exactly contect with my present job. Time & again I ask myself, why am I doing this?!Can’t find anything else worthwhile. Why can’t I have that what I want so badly?!I feel so…small…so when-do-I-get-to-do-that?!I know there are others who are doing things that I’m glad I’m not…lekin I just can’t help looking at all those others better off than me…

All the other insecurities. What after June 2006?!I keep telling myself, that as unpredictable as my life has been, I’ve still not faced a situation that I could compain about-So Insha Allah, whatever happens in the next 7 months, hopefully, it’ll be something that I won’t feel bad about.& this encompasses so much. So lets wait & watch…

& lets not mention all the rest of the stuff. I’m supposed to feel better after blogging…not blue over all that I think I’m going through…sigh…
Time to stuff myself with dinner -that I didn’t cook!