Whatever may come…

“… … Due to the high calibre of applicants, we regret to inform you that on this occasion your application has not been successful…. …”

Have I missed the bus?
:(

I don’t know what the trouble is. I’ve just been feeling so wierd lately. I’ve been down, depressed, worried, anxious, defeated, dissatisfied with life, & god knows what else. & I don’t think its just becoz of the exams. The same old worries are eating me up. Like termites on your favourite piece of antiue furniture. I can’t concentrate on anything at all.

Earlier, I was of the opinion that theres no harm in dreaming. I’m talking of daydreaming, here. So what if its not going to happen?what’s the harm in thinking of how it would’ve been if it would have happened, if only for a while? Like writing, directing & starring in your own movie, where you decide what the happy ending is. So what if the real world’s crappy, daydream kar ke kuch pal khush reh loon, to kya? Whats wrong if I want to be happy in my own little world? Like the kid all alone in the corner, mumbling gibberish, toy in hand, lost in his own world. But now I regret having ever indulged myself in those fuzool khwabs. What’s the point of imagining how life woulda been if it would’ve happened how you want it to, what’s the point if you know that its never going to happen? Waisi khushfehmi se kya faida? why choose to live in those delusions? Deep down inside, I know those dreams will never change to reality (if not for a miracle), what I wish for, might not happen afterall, so why do I keep hoping against hope for it to happen? I feel defeated coz I know it probably won’t, but I still go on hoping for some miracle… kya ilaaj hai mere is haal ka?

Yes, I said why choose to live in those delusions…coz thats what happens when you start to dream too often, way more than is good for you…its when things seem to spiral out of control (if any)…& you seem to be falling in deeper & deeper, until you feel you’re way below than where you could help yourself…

& its this helplessness I’m having trouble fighting. I see people who seem to take care of their own troubles, themselves. But somehow I can’t seem to handle mine… The solutions that I think will end my worries, are things that aren’t possible without divine intervention, in my favour… & its not that I’m not content with life, come to think of it, I really shouldn’t be feeling this way, atleast not to this extent, like I mentioned earlier, I am blessed indeed…

So why do I still think I need more?? I keep telling myself that jo bhi hoga, Insha Allah, meri bhalaee us hi mein ho gi. & I don’t really have unfortunate stuff to make me believe otherwise…then why won’t these worries go away? Not knowing what’s gonna happen, has never driven me as insane as this ever before… Why does it seem so hard to just trust the AlMighty, & have faith in Him… why? … sigh…..why…..

Yup,I’m still down in the dumps…I’ve just had it with it-bas-ab aur nahin seh sakta…I’m sick & tired of all this crap…where are the good times???Its always a cycle-somedays of happiness & then some days of depression/dullness…When do the good days start??I’m through with this spell of the blues…I can’t wait for the good times to roll…Why are the good days evading me??

Oh, so did YOU get your copy of Harry Potter (the 6th installment)? Everyone’s gone bonkers over it. The other day, in a city skyscraper -office block in CBD, in the lobby, I saw this old man-white hair et al, reading in a cozy sofa. I was looking for a place to rest my tashreef aswell, so I jumped towards at the next sofa-beside his…I was actually glad that he wasn’t reading HP(Harry Potter),coz his book didn’t look like it…lo-after a while, i noticed that indeed it was HP! & then today on the train i saw this other person reading HP-what puzzles me,is that I haven’t come across any kid reading it yet-just adults-& middle aged adults at that!

I haven’t read any HP book as of yet-have been given a link to an online version of the latest one,but HP just doesn’t excite me enough. My last read was Dan Brown’s Deception Point- as recommended (well, if a favorable review is that) by our very own (un)poisonous ivy . Good one.

And among other things, I think I’ll also post about my dinner tonight.

Yup, I cooked an American Dinner tonight! Mashed potatoes & broccoli with lemon! Doesn’t it look yummy-as does everything that I cook & post here?haina?lol!